the hay adams ; sunday morning

[necroslacker]

Sam hadn't been lying when he told Natalie that he hadn't planned on really leaving the hotel room at all during his weekend with her. Sure, they'd gone to dinner in the restaurant but otherwise, they'd stayed stuffed in the room, just the two of them. And why not when it was such a nice room with a view of a church. Sometimes, the money that he'd inherited came in handy.

Sam had woken up fairly early after getting a few hours of sleep. He'd slid on a tattered flannel (he owned many) and left it unbuttoned and paired that with a pair of soft pants before getting to work on ordering some room service. His stomach was growling and the food here was good.

While he waited for that, he did pour himself some coffee and wandered over to enjoy the view. It was pretty sweet.

[NFB and for the girl there with him]

Comments

[necroslacker]

"They are, yeah," Sam agreed, sitting down on the edge of her bed and smiling lopsidedly at her. "I got us some pancakes and some pastries for breakfast. Hope that's all right."

[whenshewasnice]

"It's okay." She probably would've said that to just about anything, though. She wasn't feeling too picky about her breakfast right now. "What time's checkout?"

[necroslacker]

"Later this afternoon but I don't have to go back to Seattle till tonight," he told her. "Frank and Ramon are holding down the fort. If nothing's been set on fire when I get back, I'll be amazed though."

[whenshewasnice]

"You're still going to have to go to Seattle, though." It wasn't a question, because she knew he did. And even if he'd stuck around until Monday it would have just been delaying the inevitable.

Back to everyday life.

She took another sip of coffee.

[necroslacker]

"And you have to go back to the island and we can make plans to see each other sometime this week or next weekend," Sam suggested. "I'll call you and I'll text you whenever I've got a free moment. Promise."

[whenshewasnice]

"Mm." Pause, and more coffee. She looked down at the cup, wrinkling her nose just a little bit. "I just wish we didn't have to."

[necroslacker]

"I know. Neither do I." He shrugged and gave her a sympathetic look. "The distance sucks but we just gotta make due. We're all right."

Little did he know.

[whenshewasnice]

Yeah. Natalie chewed on the inside of her lower lip, because she knew she had to say something about that, and she really didn't want to.

Her voice got just a little quieter.

"I wish I could be as sure as you are."

[necroslacker]

"What?" Sam asked, frowning and glancing down at her. "...you're not sure we're all right?"

[whenshewasnice]

Natalie looked up at him, even though she didn't really want to do that, either. "I'm not sure I am."

[necroslacker]

He was still frowning. But that was all right now.

"Okay." This was unexpected to say the least. "Why aren't you sure you're all right?"

[whenshewasnice]

"I'm just finding it harder to deal with the distance and the... need to plan, and everything."

She glanced down again, kind of obviously reluctant to talk about it. But she figured he did deserve to know where she stood. Where they stood.

"Being with you is great. It's the parts in between that suck."

[necroslacker]

Sam stood up and wrung his hands together, a nervous habit if there ever was one. He didn't venture too far away but he did pace a little.

"So...what?" he finally said, sounding unsure. "The distance sucks. I agree but it's a necessary evil when I wanna be with you. Which I do. Being with you, knowing that you love me, that trumps the distance for me. It doesn't for you?"

[whenshewasnice]

Natalie's gaze snapped back up, though her voice stayed soft and on the quiet side. "Putting it like that is unfair."

Because she'd been worried that bringing this up was going to make it look like she just didn't love him as much, or enough.

"It's just harder for me."

[necroslacker]

"I'm sorry but you're going to have to give me some leeway on what's unfair and what's not right now," Sam told her. "Why's been it harder? Why haven't you been talking to me about that?"

[whenshewasnice]

"Because when I'm actually around you, it goes away." It had been doing that, anyway. It was getting harder to forget, though, which was why she was saying this in the first place. "And... I guess I haven't wanted to ruin things whenever I get to see you. Like right now."

[necroslacker]

"Were you thinking about this when you came and saw me last week after the vacation?" Sam asked, putting a few pieces together. "When you were obviously upset and you decided to lie and say you were fine and then we slept together a little recklessly?"

[whenshewasnice]

Natalie's jaw tightened a bit as she tried not to snap at the accusation of lying.

"I was trying to handle it on my own."

[necroslacker]

"So, what do you wanna do about what you're feeling?" Sam asked, crossing his arms and turning back to face her. "You've been trying to handle it on your own, without my help, so what's going to work best for you? Because I would have helped and I still want to but it doesn't seem like you want that."

[whenshewasnice]

"How would you help, Sam?" Natalie asked, sincerely if with a hint of exasperation. "How would you help when the whole problem boils down to the fact that you're not there?"

[necroslacker]

"I don't know, I would be there more," Sam told her, shrugging. "More spontaneity, more surprises, less planning. And the only reason we plan is because I don't want to interrupt your studies or your plans, Natalie. I don't want to bother you so I make plans so we can be together without interruptions."

[whenshewasnice]

"It's not the plans, Sam." She held the coffee cup with both hands, but had no intention of drinking any more of it anymore. Couldn't. "It's that you still wouldn't be here all the time. The waiting and the wishing would still be there."

[necroslacker]

"I don't get it, Natalie," Sam told her, shaking his head. "You wanted to do this. You suggested this when we were talking about me leaving last summer. Sure, we both were a little afraid but we both wanted this. Now, you're saying the physical distance is too much? You're letting that get in your head? Of all things? I love you."

[whenshewasnice]

Natalie drew in a breath that was meant to be steady, but ended up shuddering.

"I always had more doubts than you, and you know that. I already chose not to do this with someone else before." Because she hadn't even loved the guy. "I wanted to give it a chance because I love you. But I guess that's ironically enough the problem."

Surely this whole mess wouldn't hurt as badly if she didn't love him.

[necroslacker]

"So, tell me what you want," Sam said, forcing his voice into something neutral and flat. "Because it sounds like my chance is done. Is that what you're telling me?"