the hay adams ; sunday morning

[necroslacker]

Sam hadn't been lying when he told Natalie that he hadn't planned on really leaving the hotel room at all during his weekend with her. Sure, they'd gone to dinner in the restaurant but otherwise, they'd stayed stuffed in the room, just the two of them. And why not when it was such a nice room with a view of a church. Sometimes, the money that he'd inherited came in handy.

Sam had woken up fairly early after getting a few hours of sleep. He'd slid on a tattered flannel (he owned many) and left it unbuttoned and paired that with a pair of soft pants before getting to work on ordering some room service. His stomach was growling and the food here was good.

While he waited for that, he did pour himself some coffee and wandered over to enjoy the view. It was pretty sweet.

[NFB and for the girl there with him]

Comments

[necroslacker]

"So, tell me what you want," Sam said, forcing his voice into something neutral and flat. "Because it sounds like my chance is done. Is that what you're telling me?"

[whenshewasnice]

"No."

But what was? She shrugged, awkwardly, and moved to put the cup on the bedside table. Some sensibility bubbling through: she didn't want to end up dumping that in her lap.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

[necroslacker]

"Yeah? Well, I don't either but you've pretty much taken me out of the equation here, Natalie," Sam told her, shaking his head. "At this point, I can't win and all because I live in Seattle. And you can't tell me that I can't help. You know me. I am always willing to listen. I am always willing to talk to you or to hold you or to hear you out. But, you haven't give me the opportunity until now. And now it sounds like you've decided it's too late."

[whenshewasnice]

"I'm just telling you how I feel!" Natalie snapped before she could stop herself. Without a cup to hold, her nails dug into her palms as she reined her emotions back in. The anger was gone as quickly at it had come, but there was a sense of sorrow in its place.

She swallowed and lowered her gaze again. "I'm sorry. I tried to figure out a way to bring this up without... this but I guess that was too optimistic. I'm sorry, I really am."

[necroslacker]

"Sorry. Yeah, okay."

It didn't really help him when his whole chest felt tight and uncomfortable. Sam turned away from her and went back to the window, shoulders tight and posture straight.

[whenshewasnice]

Natalie didn't even need to look up to know how he looked right now. She didn't want her guesses confirmed.

She wished she'd kept her mouth shut, but it was too late now.

"It would've helped if I'd never realized I don't see an end to this."

[necroslacker]

Sam turned around and stared at her for a long moment.

"So, tell me that," he finally said. "Tell me that's what this is. Tell me you spent all last weekend and all this weekend with me, pretending you were happy and that you wanted to be with me and that things were working out knowing that you were gonna end this. Tell me that this is the end."

[whenshewasnice]

Natalie was going to say something to that. really, she was. She tried to, but nothing came out. The objections and protests just died somewhere on the way from her brain to her lips.

She buried her face in her hands and shook. Sobbed. Yeah, crying now. The past few weeks of slowly accumulating stress just crashed down all at once and... she guessed she was done being strong. It was like admitting defeat, and it was painful, and it was humiliating, and she wished she could have stopped, but that wasn't happening.

She didn't say anything.

[necroslacker]

A part of him wanted to go over to her and hold her and try and comfort her. But, another part of him saw her reaction as all the answer he needed to his question. He nodded a few times, finally showing a little signs of buckling under his emotions when he blinked a few times really quickly and clenched his fists to stop them from shaking.

"Okay. I get it. You wanna end things. I really wish you wouldn't have strung me along and made me think things were fine before dropping it all on me now but whatever, it's cool."

His voice sounded shaky and quiet but he didn't stammer, at least. "I'll go back to Seattle after I get changed and let you have the hotel room till you wanna leave."

[whenshewasnice]

When Natalie lowered her hands, she wasn't even trying to stop them from shaking. What was the point? Her cheeks were tear-streaked and her voice was heavy from crying – which hadn't even stopped yet. Her hands could shake all they wanted. She didn't care.

She looked up at him, though her vision was blurry. It was still hard to find the words to say anything at all. It took a moment.

"I –– I wasn't stringing you along."

That emerged as the winner, past anything else. She hadn't done this on purpose. She promised she hadn't.

[necroslacker]

"Sure, whatever. Because taking advantage of me being here the past two days, sleeping with me and cuddling with me before doing this isn't stringing me along." He didn't really believe her, not after hearing that she'd been having doubts for awhile but had said nothing to him. The image of her crying and the toll this was taking on her hurt but he refused to let it affect him.

He was going to have enough of his own emotions to deal with later. His feet finally started moving and his movements were jerky and harsh as he started reaching for his bag and shoving clothes and belongings into it. He pulled a pair of flip flops out of the bag and slid them on.

[whenshewasnice]

To be perfectly honest, there was a part of Natalie that really rather viciously hoped it did hurt him to see her like this, because his words were cutting her up inside too. She was starting to think there weren't words in the English language much more hurtful than "Sure, whatever".

"I wasn't trying," she said, having to pause in the middle for a breath, "to break up with you."

She didn't expect that to make any difference. He'd probably made up his mind. But she had to say it, just so that she had. Just so he'd heard it, whether he believed it or not.

[necroslacker]

"But you just did!" Sam snapped harshly, zipping up his bag harder than it needed to be zipped. He stood up and started buttoning his shirt just to give his hands something to do.

"You just did, Natalie," Sam said, calming down just slightly now. "Because I asked you to tell me you wanted to end it and you didn't deny it. You are speaking in past tense. You 'gave', you 'wanted', you've 'tried.' It's past tense. I'm not stupid. And you haven't said anything else one way or the other!"

[whenshewasnice]

There was a dehydration/stress headache in Natalie's immediate future, she knew it already, because the crying just wouldn't stop. In fact, the sobs grew harsher again.

"I just wanted to talk to you! I was just trying to talk because I –– I couldn't handle it on my own anymore. And I told you because I thought you deserved to know."

Clearly that had been a mistake.

[necroslacker]

"I deserved to know weeks ago," Sam told her, shaking his head. "Weeks. Before it got this bad. Before you started using words like doubt and distance and all that. But you didn't tell me until now. And even then, I made suggestions. I wanted to help. I wanted to bend over backwards and do even more to see you. But it wasn't enough for you, Natalie. You do remember telling me that, right? That anything I basically said doesn't matter because I wouldn't be her permanently."

He rubbed his eyes when they started to feel gritty and sore. "So, you tell me. You tell me what you want to happen, Natalie. Tell me."

[whenshewasnice]

It was hard to come up with words when she could barely breathe. She didn't remember ever crying this hysterically and compulsively... Except the day the Ingrams moved away.

"I just don't want you to go."

But maybe that wasn't enough.

[necroslacker]

"Why not?" Sam asked, staying where he was for the moment. "Why don't you want me to go? I can't help you, Natalie. You told me that. So, tell me why you want me to stay."

[whenshewasnice]

"Because I love you?"

That was the only thing she could think to offer up, the only thing she had going for her after apparently saying all the wrong things.

She had access to very little of her usual stoicism or logical thought right now.

[necroslacker]

"You should make that a statement and not a question," Sam pointed out, shaking his head. He looked down at his bag, zipped and ready to go but he didn't make an immediate move to leave.

Instead, he raked his fingers through his hair and stalked over to the window again. He wasn't seeing the nice view when he stopped. He was more trying to stop his eyes from hurting and his chest from feeling like it was going to cave in.

[whenshewasnice]

Natalie's chest felt like it already had. Also a familiar feeling from, oh, six or so years ago. "I'm sorry," she muttered, still wiping at her eyes, pointlessly. Still trying to breathe and grasp on to something. "I'm just... I'm sorry."

[necroslacker]

"Yeah." He didn't say anything else for a second. He rubbed his face and turned around again. One hand came up to rub his chest and his eyes fell back on his bag again. He took a breath.

"Yeah." He couldn't find anything else to say that wasn't going to be fueled by anger and hurt. He was clamping down on that fiercely right now.

[whenshewasnice]

"You don't believe me."

She managed a few breaths that were a little more steady. It didn't feel like much of a victory. Nothing did, when everything you'd managed today were a couple of sips of coffee and wrecking your relationship, and you were still wearing nothing but a blanket.

"I just wanted to have a conversation. I didn't know you'd –– that we'd be jumping straight to final solutions."

She didn't know what she'd been expecting anymore, though. That he'd somehow miraculously promise to leave Seattle behind for her? She knew better than that. She respected his obligations more than that.

[necroslacker]

"What did you expect would happen, Natalie?" Sam had to ask because seriously. "You telling me that everything's gotten too hard for you and that the pressure's too much and that I can't help you at all despite my best efforts? What did you want me to do after finding out that you'd been feeling this way for awhile and you just didn't want to tell me so I went on and on promising things and showing up and you just let me?"

He was a little exasperated himself now. "Seattle's my home. I have things I have to do there but I told you I'd make more of an effort to see you. I'd do anything I could but it wasn't good enough for you. What do you want me to do, Natalie? And just imagine how you would feel, how you would react if I just wanted to have a conversation about this with you? Just think about it."

[whenshewasnice]

Natalie ignored that last question completely because she had no answer to that that wouldn't just be anger.

"I don't know what I expected," she said, wiping at her eyes again. "Guess I expected more than you can give. We both did."

Because she wasn't as strong as he would've needed her to be for this to work.

"If I could tell myself this long distance thing is only for now, a phase, I could get through it." She shuddered with a random sob, her voice breaking even though she tried her hardest to keep it from doing that. Guess she wasn't anywhere near done with crying yet after all. "But I can't, because it's not. This is all it's ever gonna be, a series of special occasions. I'm not going to drop everything else and move to Seattle, and you're not gonna drop everything else and move for me. And I know that, but it keeps getting harder to let you go."

[necroslacker]

"You've reduced our relationship down to a series of special occasions," Sam said tightly though he couldn't stop some disbelief from slipping out. "I don't believe that. I never, ever have. Because I would drop everything if you needed me and I guess that's just not enough for you. I haven't reduced our relationship down to a series of moments, though."

He shook his head and pushed away from the window. "And you've made all my decisions in the future for me, apparently. You don't know what's going to happen tomorrow let alone in a few months. But, you've made up your mind. You've decided what our relationship is going to be and I don't agree but it's your right. And it's my right to disagree. Because I do. All this time, everything we've been through and it's now a series of special occasions because I went home. Maybe it'll be easier for you now because I don't foresee a lot of special occasions in my future. You've made my decisions for me. I'll just go along with them."

Safe to say he was harboring some anger now. His voice didn't show it but it was there in his words.