the hay adams ; sunday morning

[necroslacker]

Sam hadn't been lying when he told Natalie that he hadn't planned on really leaving the hotel room at all during his weekend with her. Sure, they'd gone to dinner in the restaurant but otherwise, they'd stayed stuffed in the room, just the two of them. And why not when it was such a nice room with a view of a church. Sometimes, the money that he'd inherited came in handy.

Sam had woken up fairly early after getting a few hours of sleep. He'd slid on a tattered flannel (he owned many) and left it unbuttoned and paired that with a pair of soft pants before getting to work on ordering some room service. His stomach was growling and the food here was good.

While he waited for that, he did pour himself some coffee and wandered over to enjoy the view. It was pretty sweet.

[NFB and for the girl there with him]

Comments

[necroslacker]

"What?" Sam asked, frowning and glancing down at her. "...you're not sure we're all right?"

[whenshewasnice]

Natalie looked up at him, even though she didn't really want to do that, either. "I'm not sure I am."

[necroslacker]

He was still frowning. But that was all right now.

"Okay." This was unexpected to say the least. "Why aren't you sure you're all right?"

[whenshewasnice]

"I'm just finding it harder to deal with the distance and the... need to plan, and everything."

She glanced down again, kind of obviously reluctant to talk about it. But she figured he did deserve to know where she stood. Where they stood.

"Being with you is great. It's the parts in between that suck."

[necroslacker]

Sam stood up and wrung his hands together, a nervous habit if there ever was one. He didn't venture too far away but he did pace a little.

"So...what?" he finally said, sounding unsure. "The distance sucks. I agree but it's a necessary evil when I wanna be with you. Which I do. Being with you, knowing that you love me, that trumps the distance for me. It doesn't for you?"

[whenshewasnice]

Natalie's gaze snapped back up, though her voice stayed soft and on the quiet side. "Putting it like that is unfair."

Because she'd been worried that bringing this up was going to make it look like she just didn't love him as much, or enough.

"It's just harder for me."

[necroslacker]

"I'm sorry but you're going to have to give me some leeway on what's unfair and what's not right now," Sam told her. "Why's been it harder? Why haven't you been talking to me about that?"

[whenshewasnice]

"Because when I'm actually around you, it goes away." It had been doing that, anyway. It was getting harder to forget, though, which was why she was saying this in the first place. "And... I guess I haven't wanted to ruin things whenever I get to see you. Like right now."

[necroslacker]

"Were you thinking about this when you came and saw me last week after the vacation?" Sam asked, putting a few pieces together. "When you were obviously upset and you decided to lie and say you were fine and then we slept together a little recklessly?"

[whenshewasnice]

Natalie's jaw tightened a bit as she tried not to snap at the accusation of lying.

"I was trying to handle it on my own."

[necroslacker]

"So, what do you wanna do about what you're feeling?" Sam asked, crossing his arms and turning back to face her. "You've been trying to handle it on your own, without my help, so what's going to work best for you? Because I would have helped and I still want to but it doesn't seem like you want that."

[whenshewasnice]

"How would you help, Sam?" Natalie asked, sincerely if with a hint of exasperation. "How would you help when the whole problem boils down to the fact that you're not there?"

[necroslacker]

"I don't know, I would be there more," Sam told her, shrugging. "More spontaneity, more surprises, less planning. And the only reason we plan is because I don't want to interrupt your studies or your plans, Natalie. I don't want to bother you so I make plans so we can be together without interruptions."

[whenshewasnice]

"It's not the plans, Sam." She held the coffee cup with both hands, but had no intention of drinking any more of it anymore. Couldn't. "It's that you still wouldn't be here all the time. The waiting and the wishing would still be there."

[necroslacker]

"I don't get it, Natalie," Sam told her, shaking his head. "You wanted to do this. You suggested this when we were talking about me leaving last summer. Sure, we both were a little afraid but we both wanted this. Now, you're saying the physical distance is too much? You're letting that get in your head? Of all things? I love you."

[whenshewasnice]

Natalie drew in a breath that was meant to be steady, but ended up shuddering.

"I always had more doubts than you, and you know that. I already chose not to do this with someone else before." Because she hadn't even loved the guy. "I wanted to give it a chance because I love you. But I guess that's ironically enough the problem."

Surely this whole mess wouldn't hurt as badly if she didn't love him.

[necroslacker]

"So, tell me what you want," Sam said, forcing his voice into something neutral and flat. "Because it sounds like my chance is done. Is that what you're telling me?"

[whenshewasnice]

"No."

But what was? She shrugged, awkwardly, and moved to put the cup on the bedside table. Some sensibility bubbling through: she didn't want to end up dumping that in her lap.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

[necroslacker]

"Yeah? Well, I don't either but you've pretty much taken me out of the equation here, Natalie," Sam told her, shaking his head. "At this point, I can't win and all because I live in Seattle. And you can't tell me that I can't help. You know me. I am always willing to listen. I am always willing to talk to you or to hold you or to hear you out. But, you haven't give me the opportunity until now. And now it sounds like you've decided it's too late."

[whenshewasnice]

"I'm just telling you how I feel!" Natalie snapped before she could stop herself. Without a cup to hold, her nails dug into her palms as she reined her emotions back in. The anger was gone as quickly at it had come, but there was a sense of sorrow in its place.

She swallowed and lowered her gaze again. "I'm sorry. I tried to figure out a way to bring this up without... this but I guess that was too optimistic. I'm sorry, I really am."

[necroslacker]

"Sorry. Yeah, okay."

It didn't really help him when his whole chest felt tight and uncomfortable. Sam turned away from her and went back to the window, shoulders tight and posture straight.

[whenshewasnice]

Natalie didn't even need to look up to know how he looked right now. She didn't want her guesses confirmed.

She wished she'd kept her mouth shut, but it was too late now.

"It would've helped if I'd never realized I don't see an end to this."

[necroslacker]

Sam turned around and stared at her for a long moment.

"So, tell me that," he finally said. "Tell me that's what this is. Tell me you spent all last weekend and all this weekend with me, pretending you were happy and that you wanted to be with me and that things were working out knowing that you were gonna end this. Tell me that this is the end."

[whenshewasnice]

Natalie was going to say something to that. really, she was. She tried to, but nothing came out. The objections and protests just died somewhere on the way from her brain to her lips.

She buried her face in her hands and shook. Sobbed. Yeah, crying now. The past few weeks of slowly accumulating stress just crashed down all at once and... she guessed she was done being strong. It was like admitting defeat, and it was painful, and it was humiliating, and she wished she could have stopped, but that wasn't happening.

She didn't say anything.

[necroslacker]

A part of him wanted to go over to her and hold her and try and comfort her. But, another part of him saw her reaction as all the answer he needed to his question. He nodded a few times, finally showing a little signs of buckling under his emotions when he blinked a few times really quickly and clenched his fists to stop them from shaking.

"Okay. I get it. You wanna end things. I really wish you wouldn't have strung me along and made me think things were fine before dropping it all on me now but whatever, it's cool."

His voice sounded shaky and quiet but he didn't stammer, at least. "I'll go back to Seattle after I get changed and let you have the hotel room till you wanna leave."