necroslacker | seattle ; sunday evening

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seattle ; sunday evening

St. Patrick's Day didn't mean a lot to Sam. Sure, he wore green when he remembered but for the most part, it was just another day. This St. Patrick's Day though, Sam had gotten dragged out to a bar with Brid and her brothers. Her excuse had been she was tired of him moping around like a lost puppy. He'd tried to beg off but she hadn't been hearing it.

So, Sam was at a bar. And Sam was actually drinking. It actually got a little easier to convince him to drink after getting some alcohol in him. Maybe that had been Brid's plan all along. Whatever, Sam wasn't going to argue. Maybe he could get drunk for only the second time in his life and forget how bad he'd been feeling for months now.

Brid was off, trying to cajole one of her brothers into doing karaoke or dancing or something which left Sam at the bar alone. He chatted occasionally with the bartender but otherwise, just say quietly with a drink in his hand.

At least Brid wasn't trying to make him do karaoke.

[NFB but open for calls/texts/etc. Sam is a leetle drunk.]

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"Just challenging your statements and making conversation," Natalie replied evenly. "Sorry."

"It's Brid," Sam reminded her. "You don't want to talk about her, I know you don't so you don't have to for my benefit."

"If it keeps you talking to me," Natalie countered, if a bit more quietly, "I'll talk about anything."

Brid included. She just liked talking to him.

"Natalie..."

Sam sighed heavily and closed his eyes. Statements like that went right past his shields and made him uncomfortable and even more sad than previously.

Natalie took a sip of her drink. Some fruity, girly thing.

"Was that a mean thing to say?" she wondered, perhaps a bit more softly than she'd meant to. "I don't think it's that surprising or anything, when I've been saying the same thing for three months. You should be able to expect it by now."

"Yeah, because that makes it better," Sam returned, eyes still closed. "Because that means it hurts me less and makes me feel better about everything that's gone on."

"Okay," Natalie sighed, after a moment. "So, if it hurts that much, hang up. Go find Brid and let her distract you. I can stop calling. I can just... be here. If you do the YA protagonist thing and get in trouble, I'll be here and I'm not changing my number."

She found it highly doubtful she'd get that kind of a call. But she wanted that out there.

"I want to be your friend but if I'm really constantly hurting you, then I don't want to do that because I'm not that bad and selfish a person."

Yet.

"I don't want to be your friend," Sam repeated because it just wasn't enough for him. It wouldn't help and he didn't seen any benefit to it. He just knew he couldn't do it and he didn't want it.

"I am angry at you and sad and lonely and stupid," he told her honestly. "I don't know what I want, Natalie, because everything is confused. Everything. I don't know what to do with you, my life just sucks right now, and I'm never gonna stop being hunted."

Maybe he'd just go evil like he always thought he would. "This is how it is for me right now."

"Yes," Natalie said, patiently. Mostly. "I know all that. And I don't have the answers for you, either. I was just trying to give you an out. If you don't want to be my friend, then you don't want me to be your friend, and then maybe I shouldn't call."

"You can do what you want," Sam said, sounding very tired all the sudden. He couldn't bring himself to tell her outright to just stop calling. "I just know I can't be your friend like you apparently want me to. I can't do it, Natalie. I just know that it's not enough for me."

"You haven't even tried."

And she was trying too hard for both of them.

"Natalie, I love you," he snapped, smacking his hand against the bar again. "And that's the reason I haven't tried. Because of that, because I know with that there, I can't be your friend. Because I want more than that and you don't and it doesn't fit."

Because friends don't love each other," Natalie replied, a little petulantly. Regretting it a little bit immediately after. Pausing to drink down a nice big gulp. "Jono was right. It is all or nothing."

Startled by a realization, she huffed out an laugh that was actually pretty lacking in amusement.

"It always was. I broke up with you because I couldn't handle not having it all. And now you can't handle being friends because it's not everything you want. This whole thing? Just a big mess of all or nothing."

"And if we were friends, you still wouldn't have it all," Sam had to point out. "So, you're suddenly okay with that? It's cool because you did dump me now and that changes things? Because I can't do that. I can't take back my feelings for you, Natalie. They're too strong and friends isn't enough."

"If we're friends, I have what I'm comfortable with right now," Natalie replied. "It's a scale where 'all' is a proper relationship, the middle part is long-distance, and 'nothing' is friendship. Your scale is different."

His was more like relationship - friendship – actual nothing, and yes, she'd just thought that out. A little bit of alcohol in her system didn't stop her analytical brain.

She sighed. "But, whatever. It's incompatible. That's the whole problem."

"Then, you're a better person than me, able to be comfortable with just being friends with someone you were with for over a year and loved," Sam told her, shaking his head. "I can't do that. I'm sorry but I can't. Not for this situation, not with you. But, I see you and I remember everything about us, Natalie. Everything. I talk to you and I remember everything about us."

The alcohol was making him a little more loose lipped right now. "So, I can't just dial that all back in, put it behind a door so we can be pals. I can't. There was too much."

"And you don't think I remember?"

No, he probably hadn't meant it like that. Didn't stop her asking.

"It's just that my priorities are different."

"I didn't say that," Sam said tightly. "But, you go ahead and keep making me into the bad guy for not wanting to be friends with you, Natalie. Because that's what I'm hearing. I'm not trying, my priorities are wrong when all I really want is just to be with you. I'm so wrong to want that. Sorry."

"You're not wrong, you're different!" Natalie snapped, because she could do that too. Thank the alcohol. Or her moody week, or both. "I understand that. I understand you're sad, but do you understand that it makes me sad too that you can only want me in just one way? I miss you, Sam. You weren't just my boyfriend, you were my friend. And I don't have anyone who knows me like you do. And I'm still offering to give you up completely on the off chance that it would make you happier because I can't give you what you want."

Apparently she had words on this topic.

Sam was quiet for a few moments but his breathing was a little more ragged than usual. This night sucked. Everything sucked. He needed a vacation far, far away from everything.

"And I can't give you what you want either," Sam finally said. "Because yeah, I want more than that. Because I've had it and it was good for me. It was so good so dialing it back, trying to have less, and being okay with that? I just can't do it. It's not about not wanting you in more than one way, Natalie. It's about there being too much between us in the past to just be friends in the present and future. It's because I know you so completely as you say. So, I can't give you what you want."

He shook his head and rubbed his tired and gritty eyes. "And I've really gotta go now. Brid's coming this way and I've gotta go."

"Well, you won't have to live in dread of me calling anytime soon," Natalie said, not even entirely sure why she said it. But say it she did. "I think I'll be leaving you alone for a while now."

Because seriously, was this any good to anyone right now?

"You do what you have to do," Sam told her. "But, I didn't dread anything. Don't make assumptions about me. I don't appreciate it."

And then, he hung up and turned his phone off. Later, he'd contemplate maybe smashing it into pieces.

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