necroslacker | seattle ; tuesday

Sam had walked all the way back to his house after waking up completely lost yesterday. He still had no memory of what had happened and that was scaring him. But, he'd made it back after multiple people had offered him help and some food. He didn't know how he must have looked to them if they were offering him food and shelter and water.

But, he turned down each offer and kept walking. By the time he ended up back at the estate, his feet were bloody and sore, his stomach was growling and he was dirty and tired. It hadn't been a good day. There was fear clawing at him, deep inside his belly but he was ignoring it.

He stared at the door in front of him, almost not wanting to open it. He knew his friends would be on the other side, possibly angry, possibly scared and he wasn't sure if he wanted or even had the ability to face that down right now.

He needed help. He really did and he knew it. Maybe he could sneak in, pack a bag and leave. That's what it was coming too. He was going to have to leave and either find his uncle or...find Douglas.

Sam shuddered and turned the knob so he could slip inside the house. He'd shower, pack a bag quickly and leave.

[NFB again but open for interactions, if needed]

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"Maybe so," Natalie replied, almost business-like in her neutrality. Repressing some things pretty hard. "And we can't keep you here indefinitely. But at least until you're rested and fed."

"It won't make a difference," Sam told her, keeping his hand over his eyes. "I just need to go. I need to get away from people and just deal with this."

"It makes a difference," Natalie stated, giving his hand a light squeeze. Not wanting to push anything at all. "Fainting doesn't help you deal. Punishing your body makes your brain work less. But I'm sure your mother covered that already."

"Yeah, she told me plenty. I still disagree," Sam told her, rubbing his eyes once again before letting his hand drop. "There is nothing anyone here can do. You know why I didn't ask for help? Because no one can help me. No one has this inside them. It's just me. I'm alone."

"You haven't even given anyone a chance."

She was pretty damn sure of that.

"You've just decided that because we're not necromancers, we can't possibly be of any help."

"What can you do for me, Natalie?" Sam asked, point blank. "Tell me because I can't think of anything."

"I could research," Natalie replied immediately, because she'd known that question was coming. "I live in an interdimensional hub. There isn't going to be a miracle cure but that doesn't mean there's nothing out there."

"Research what?" Sam asked. "How to stop someone from going evil? I didn't know they put that books."

"The first and only class we took together was called Don't Be Evil," she replied, dryly. "I think you'll find there's information on that subject out there."

She sighed, rubbed at her nose with her free hand. Hesitated. "I know you're scared, Sam."

"Yeah, which is exactly why I need to not be here," he said, finally putting some emotion in his voice. It just wasn't any great emotion. "I'm scared. I'm terrified and I don't want to hurt anyone! And I will if I stay here."

Even Natalie's mild facade faltered some more. "Sam, what changed?" she asked, voice softer – weaker – than she maybe meant it to be. "You seemed fine before."

Before what, though? She couldn't say.

"I've always had this inside me," Sam told her, shaking his head. "But, I'm an easy target now. My life's just gotten progressively crappier since last year. What's changed? Everything sucks for me now, Natalie. I'm so tired of people not wanting me or wanting me because I can raise the dead. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of knowing people are afraid of me no matter how much they hide. Maybe I should just give them a reason to fear me."

"No."

That was more forceful than she'd meant it to be. Couldn't be helped. She wanted to yell at him, knew she couldn't, that came out as a compromise.

"We're already terrified. Of losing you."

"You've already lost me," he said ruefully. He couldn't help that either. He just wanted to curl up and stay that way until people left him alone so he could leave. "I'm just tired of it all."

"You need to pull yourself together." But he knew that already, didn't he? She tried her hardest to get back to a neutral tone, and was successful... mostly. "If you want me to leave you alone, maybe I will. But only if you don't break your mother's heart. Because I'm not sure you don't just want to run from everything, instead of actually wanting to deal with what's going on."

"You don't think I'm trying?" Sam asked, shooting her a sharp glance. "You don't think I know what you're telling me, Natalie? Do you know what I feel like lately? Empty. Numb. I feel this dark spot inside me and I can't bring myself to care about anything. It's eating me. It's hurting. All I do is hurt! And I don't know what to do! Leaving is the only thing I've come up with and you all telling me it's wrong? How is that supposed to make me feel? Because staying here, it just makes it hurt more. I don't know what to do because everything I do is wrong."

Natalie let his hand go, and rested her hands in her lap. No wonder Brid had been tearing up when she'd come out of here.

"And I wish I had the words to make it better."

She felt helpless, almost useless. There were few feelings in the world she hated more.

"It doesn't matter," Sam said, pulling his hand back and turning over onto his side so he could curl up into a ball. "I'm alone and I'm tired and I hurt."

He closed in on himself and threw up all the shields he had left in him.

"You're not alone. But, you're the one who told me that if I kept pushing people away, that's how I'd end up. Don't be me, Sam."

She got up. Sudden need for privacy. Or to just get out of here.

"Goodbye."

He could tell she was leaving and he was too tired to say anything else. He took a shuddering breath but stayed where he was. Quiet. Silent. And hurting.

"See you later," Natalie replied, a bit pointedly. She walked out of the room feeling tense all over.

She wasn't feeling like exchanging pleasantries with anyone. Or sticking around. Enough for a few words at Sam's friends. "Call me if... something happens. I need to go."

Frank nodded at her while Ramon made his way into Sam's room. He didn't try and stop her. He'd seen how Brid left and now this?

Everything sucked.

"And tell Brid and Sam's mom I'm sorry."

For bailing. Mostly for bailing.

And then she did just that. Walking briskly and getting the hell out of Sam's house.

seattle ; tuesday

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